Do I have to Get Up?

So I am sitting here now wanting to do ANYTHING today. Ever have one of those days? Those days where you literally are struggling to get up and do much of anything...like even using the bathroom seems like a MAJOR inconvenience? Well that's me today!

I have been having seriously odd dreams recently. I am NOT a girl who even remotely remembers her dreams and I literally remember EVERYTHING and it is WEIRD. I literally dreamt of going out to find my little sister (she was young in my dream) and finding her in an amusement park, seeing Mario Lopez on my travels, then agreeing to go on a date with him, going up the back stairs of a ride and having to climb a dinosaur head with my sister and hoisting her into my moms hotel room window...then the dinosaur moving before I could get up and it flushed me down some huge toilet. Like seriously???? Any dream interpreters out there...because that is INSANE.

Anyway this is NOT about my ridiculous dreams other than to say I do NOT want to sleep these days. Not only does it bring me into some crazy medicine induced dreamland but it brings me closer to yet another day of chemo. Yup...it is looming over my head that with every rest comes a day closer to the dreaded Wednesday. Just as I start feeling human again, BOOM its Wednesday...time for chemo. OH JOY!

It is spiraling me. I don't do makeup anymore, I don't do my hair ( I don't even want to wash it out of fear of losing more), I literally don't leave the house. I know it's not healthy. I know I need to pick up and just do the things like my sponsor says. My business is tanking, my social life has tanked long ago, I am alone, I am gaining weight (like seriously I thought the bright lining of cancer would be weight loss), I just feel all around GROSS! This all ties into the battle with depression. If I do not pick myself up and keep it moving...I will not survive. I'm a MESS!

So today I will be going live on my Facebook page if it kills me! It may not be makeup related but it will be a LIVE. Maybe I should sing...something...anything to make me feel better. Today and tomorrow It is set in stone and I need to be held accountable for this.

This is one of the keys that I have when battling my depression. I need to look in the mirror and appreciate the woman looking back at me. I need to tell her how awesome she is. I need to set goals (as a public person I set them publicly as in my blog). I then force myself to carry out those goals. It could be as small as get out of bed tomorrow. For me it is go Live today and tomorrow. One of these days...I am going to play in makeup as it makes me feel better. There is something that I may choose to do public but most likely this will be private. I am going to sing a song that forces me to feel better. Music is EVERYTHING to me. I need music to survive my life. What do you use to cope?

#bed #depression #feelings #guilt #ugly #beautiful #motivation #beauty #dreams #mariolopez